Sunday, March 24, 2013
"Next Time" - Things Bill Maher didn't say this week but wishes he did...
He didn't say: If Congress is going to confirm Mary Jo White
as the new head of the Security and Exchange Commission
(SEC), the Agency that failed to uncover Bernie Madoff and
the financial problems at Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers --
than we also need to bring in her two top assistants, Larry
and Curly to be her right hand men. Besides, the uncanny resemblance,
the name Mary Jo sounds suspiciously like Moe.
Anyway, after a highly prominent and stellar career in the US Attorney's
Office prosecuting terrorists, Ms. White left the Agency to
become the Lead Defense Council for many of the companies
that are currently under investigation by the SEC. (JP Morgan,
UBS). How ironic that she will be forced to recues herself from
so many high profile cases, just to prove that the SEC is no
longer a "Stooge" for Wall Street.
Bill Maher also didn't say: Snack companies have to stop naming their cakes
like characters from "50 Shades of Gray". No wonder Hostess went
bankrupt. What responsible mother today would allow their child to
buy a snack named "Ding Dong", "Devil Dog", "Ho Hos", "Zingers"
and a "Ring a Ding Ding". The new Pope just announced that buying
a 2 pak of "Twinkies" is the equivalent of supporting same sex
Bill also didn't say: 5 Hour Energy and those like it, need to admit they are
nothing more than legalized drugs. These drinks get us so amped up,
that many of us are forced to take medical marijuana in order to bring
us back down. Whether it be the half of America that wants to be
in a hyperkinetic state of ADD, or the large group of people that
want to mellow on their couch and wonder if there are two kernels
of popcorn that look exactly alike...clearly, there are few Americans
that want to live in a state of conscious reality.
He didn't say: Somebody needs to tell Blackberry they are the Krispy
Kreme of mobile phones. We think we want you back...but we really
don't. We need the new "Z10" model about as much as we needed
"Z1 though 9".
He didn't say: We need to remind Congress that the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms was not based on Paper, Rock, Scissors. There
was a time when all three were considered equally dangerous. Who
would have thought that 75 years after the Agency was formed...you
can't smoke in public, carry an open container, but you can carry a
concealed weapon almost anywhere.
He didn't say: Actors on Celebrity Apprentice and Dancing with the Stars
cannot be on the air at the same time, unless they are starring in a
Reality Show based on "The Hunger Games". These Celebrities careers
are so far behind them, they are even forbidden from being used in a
game of Kevin Bacon's "Six Degrees of Separation".
And finally, Bill Maher didn't say:...Air Traffic Controllers should be considered
more important to passengers than a free bag of peanuts.
With the "Sequester Cuts" closing 149 Air Traffic Control Towers
and the forced layoffs of TSA officers at security checkpoints, we
will now officially be waiting in line longer...in order to fly less
You know you have a problem when Rosetta Stone is selling "Airport
Complaining" as its very own language, and when Carnival Cruise
Lines prefers to send people home by Greyhound Bus, instead of by
plane, so as not to further worsen their customer experience.
The Airline Industry has taught the government that passengers
will tolerate taxes and fees that cost more than their plane ticket,
pay baggage and parking fees that are more than a hotel room, and
have a willingness to pay for everything from six inches of extra leg
room, a blanket, and even for toilet privileges...as long as you continue
to give them a free bag of peanuts.
In fact our government is run exactly like the airlines, it thinks like
Republicans but operates like Democrats. Not unlike the government,
70% of the airlines revenues comes from 20% of the people, who in
kind, receive almost 100% of all of the perks and benefits.
When the 20% fly, they receive the very Republican valet parking, a
private waiting lounge, a separate security gate, no fee for bags,
fully reclining seats, generous frequent flyer perks, and a gourmet
meal, while the other 80%, get a very Democratic...free bag of peanuts.
No matter what the government or the airlines debate about what to
take away next from the 80% of the rest of us, Pell Grants, Student
Loans, Veteran Benefits, Medicare, Social Security or the free instruction
card in the back of the seat in the event of a plane crash, the 20% will
still have more than 1 trillion dollars in tax deductions, the very best
health care, a good retirement plan, top educational schools, access to
a mortgage...and a first class seat on the aisle.
Regardless of whether you are in the 20% or the 80%, danger and public
safety affect all of the passengers... 100% of the time.
It is one thing when our government fails to inspect our meat properly, or
the lead in our children's toys, but when I fly, I don't think I deserve to fly
with less air traffic controllers, less TSA Security Officers, and now Muhammad
being allowed to carry Pocket Knives and Hockey Sticks back into the cabin,
while I still have to throw out my 3oz. bottle of moisturizing skin creme.
Does Greyhound give away free peanuts?