Saturday, February 23, 2013

My Unwanted Advice to People in the News This Week

If you are going to be the lead investigator in the Oscar Pistorius
murder...don't commit a murder yourself. It doesn't help to tell the
the Grand Jury..."that's how I would have done it"...because maybe
you once did.

If you are going to continue to place electric batteries on the new
Boeing 787 Dreamliner plane that keeps catching fire...don't tell
us that putting a "fireproof box" around them is the solution...
Samuel L. Jackson had a better chance of protecting me in...
"Snakes on a Plane".

Stop titling a self-imposed "Political Financial Crisis" like a
romance novel. The Fiscal Cliff and the Sequester sound more
like a Jackie Collins novel with Fabio on the cover...I know
Fabio and John Boehner, you are no Fabio!

If you are going to take Performance Enhancing Drugs...take
something for the brain...this way you can come up with a much
better excuse when you are finally caught taking them! I'm sorry,
but you have to do better than, "I always take my Vitamin B shots
with a hypodermic in my ass." Trust me, if you take a pill, lose your
hair, and your balls become raisins...we will not believe it is acid

You cannot be against a "Minimum Wage" increase when you don't
vote against giving yourself a raise in Congress, rush to pay yourself
a dividend before the end of the year to avoid a 5% increase in your
capital gains tax, or be one of those companies sitting on unspent
record corporate profits of more than 1 trillion dollars. The dollar
menu was supposed to be a customer offering, not what is left over
after someone gets their paycheck!

Food needs to be labeled by what animal I am actually consuming.
A two year investigation has revealed that 87% of the Red Snapper
and 59% of the White Tuna sold in restaurants and grocery stores has
been fraudulently mislabeled...It's one thing to hide how much caffeine
is actually in my Vodka and Redbull healthy energy drink...but now
they have found horse meat injected with powerful painkillers and
anti-inflammatory drugs in some of the most popular frozen beef
hamburgers and steaks...and if it wasn't for Lance Armstrong grazing
on hay after his last triathlon...we might never have been made
aware of how dangerous and fraudulent this situation really is.

If you are going to label the gun control fight as "Common Sense
Gun Laws"...then VP Joe Biden cannot be your spokesman. Telling
people to go buy a shotgun and shoot...will not be considered a
misinterpretation for turning the porch light on and dialing 911.
George Zimmerman's attorney is looking for Joe's number!

If you are a must admit how much you enjoy
sex!  Or at least admit, "you are the father", with some family
values, and not a creepy Uncle that shows up staring from a distance
at the school playground when your stance against abortion may
have come back to haunt you. Kennedy may have set the bar for
the Dems with Marilyn, and Clinton wishes he hadn't lowered it with
Monica --but who would have thought that Conservatives Pete
Domenici, Strom Thurmond, Newt Gingrich and Mark Sanford were
the inspiration for the movie "Hangover". Somebody needs to tell
these guys that the "Don't ask Don't Tell" policy wasn't for them. I am
beginning to think the only only reason they pushed so hard for Photo
ID laws, was to make sure they weren't sleeping with anyone underage!

And finally, we have to stop using mental illness as an excuse for our
own ill behavior.

Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. pled guilty this week
to stealing over $750,000 dollars from campaign contributors over the
past six years...and of course... took responsibility, but inferred that
much of the blame at his sentencing hearing will be directed to being
Bi-polar, instead of greed, arrogance or lack of moral character.

I don't know Mr. Jackson, and I hope he gets all the help and treatment that
he needs. But whatever happened to sane people that just did insane
things, got caught and went to jail? Now, no one can violate the ten
commandments, never mind the law, without being under the influence,
over medicated, or in between therapy sessions.

Joseph Smith heard voices and founded Mormonism. Today, he would be put on 
Prozac and an episode of Dr. Phil. All too often, children fail at school , are put
on ADHD medication, while their parents are waiting for the prescription
of Oxycontin to be filled. The only people who want drugs and can't get
them are all the potheads waiting for it to become legalized!

Mental Illness is a serious issue, but how can we treat it seriously, how can
we help those that are in real need, if we don't take responsibility for
our own behavior every time we get in trouble or fail to live up to our
own me crazy, maybe?...I rather you call me
accountable for my own actions!

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